


but a conundrum can be solved

by interstellarbeams



Category: Sanditon (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Back to Sanditon, Beaches, F/M, Love Confessions, Post-Finale, conflicting emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21672013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/interstellarbeams/pseuds/interstellarbeams
Summary: Charlotte is back at Sanditon and she both longs to see Sidney and hopes that she has no occasion to. What is she to do with such conflicting emotions?
Relationships: Charlotte Heywood & Sidney Parker, Charlotte Heywood/Sidney Parker
Comments: 22
Kudos: 122





	but a conundrum can be solved

**Author's Note:**

> Un’beta’d so ignore any mistakes because they are all mine. 
> 
> Fiona is owed thanks for inspiring me and encouraging me while I was writing this fic. Dedicated to you my lovely friend! 
> 
> I heard on Twitter that the Sanditon Sisterhood wanted some fics that weren’t WIPs and they wanted happy endings so I figured this fic sitting in my drafts world fit the bill. ☺️
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated! 💕

**co·nun·drum**  
/kəˈnəndrəm/

_noun_  
a confusing and difficult problem or question.

————

The sky was darkening overhead but Charlotte stood still looking out towards the waves that grew white-capped from the wind that whipped through her hair, snarling the strands together like the complicated thoughts that were intertwined in her head. 

Autumn had finally arrived to Sanditon’s shores and the sand was cold between her toes, but she barely remembered taking off her shoes or stockings she was so anxious to reach the water’s edge. Never mind the scandalous looks she would receive if anyone saw her with her bare ankles showing, she had chosen the very spot so that she wouldn’t be disturbed. And now the weather, that seemed to be deteriorating by the minute, would dissuade beachgoers all the more from disturbing her silent vigil. 

When she had received a letter from Mary, requesting her presence at Trafalgar House for a short stay, her immediate thought had been to refuse the offer, no matter how kindly given but then she had read on. Mariah, the Parker’s oldest daughter had asked her mother to invite Charlotte for her birthday celebration. The thought of breaking the sweet girl’s heart had made her decision for her and she had written back that very day to accept, despite the dread that sunk low in her belly at the thought of possibly seeing Sidney again. 

The waves slowly inched closer as the tide rose but she remained motionless, fingers intertwined in the fine lawn of her skirts. She thought maybe the touch of the water would wash away her problems but she knew that it was only a fantastical wish, something that she was too old to truly believe in, like a fairytale she would tell her younger siblings at bedtime. 

She remembered collecting shells, months earlier, on this very beach in the warmth of the sunshine, nothing more than the enjoyment of the day on her mind, but that could no longer be said. 

Being back at Sanditon brought all the memories rushing back and she could not escape them — every turn of a corner on the street or a solitary stroll on the cliffs reminding her of a conversation, a look, a touch that tugged at her heart like tenacious fingers attempting to pry open a clam. 

The rooms of the Parker’s home echoed with her laughter and her tears, and she couldn’t help but relive Sidney’s speech to her as she stood in Tom’s study, among his dreams for Sanditon, hearing words that she hadn’t even dared hope would be spoken by the man that she had come to love. 

Now Tom’s dream still flourished while hers had been ground into dust. She tried not to hold it against him but he didn’t even seem to realize that she and Sidney had been in love, much less that she had left their seaside retreat after that love had been thwarted, all because of Tom’s incompetence and Sidney’s urge to make it right no matter the cost. 

Tom’s greetings were as effusive and exuberant as usual, his eyes lit from  
within with a joy that Sidney’s engagement and Sanditon’s salvation had evoked when she arrived by paid coach. Mary, at least looked at her with concern and sympathy, kindness exemplified, but their concern or lack thereof did nothing to ease the anxiety curdling in her stomach as she braced herself to hear Sidney’s beloved voice greeting her from the parlor or study. But he wasn’t there and Mary had no idea whether he would return for his niece’s birthday or not, although she had also sent a letter to London requesting his presence. 

Later, when she was unpacking, a soft knock echoed against the wood of the guest room door and Mary let herself in. She was the picture of a proper lady of the house, effusing every pleasantry but Charlotte knew she was waiting to hear the words that burned in the back of her throat as she folded her clothing into the wardrobe with a carefulness that was so different from her turbulent anger. 

“I’m sorry.” Mary finally spoke, in lieu of Charlotte’s silence, “I knew you wouldn’t have agreed if you had known I also invited Sidney.”

“Then why did you invite him?” Charlotte shut the wardrobe with a snap that echoed in the quiet room, whirling around to face her friend. Her anxiety at possibly seeing him again conflicting with her anxiousness to see him. 

“You can’t avoid him forever. No matter how much you may wish to.” Mary offered, sagely, her hands clasped in front of her. 

Her calmness unnerved Charlotte even more because she knew it made her seem all the more dramatic, but she had the right to feel this way, _didn’t she?_

“I know you came because our dearest Mariah asked it of you. But I think it would be good for you to see him again.”

“I was happy to come. You know I adore the children. I love you all, you’re like a second family to me and I want to see him, of course I do.” Charlotte knew it wouldn’t make leaving any easier but she still longed to see him, no matter how much it would hurt to have him walk away from her again. 

“But what if I can’t take it. What if I’m not strong enough?” She brushed a lock of hair away from her neck, finding it hard to look into Mary’s eyes, despite the kindness that rested there. 

“Of course you’re strong enough.” Mary stepped closer, her rose water scent as familiar to Charlotte now as her own toilette water, “You let him go, didn’t you? Knowing how much it would hurt you, but you did it because you knew it was his decision, that it was what he wanted, maybe even what he needed to do. Unselfishness is an unbelievably strong characteristic for anyone to have, but especially for a young woman in the first blush of love. Our men see us as the needier sex and we are, we do need them, but we’re banded with iron almost as stiff as our stays and we can take a lot more than they think.” Mary winked, in an attempt to lighten the mood and Charlotte was grateful for it but she wasn’t able to bring herself to smile back.

Mary sighed, finally pulling her gaze away from Charlotte’s and allowing her a moment’s reprieve. She felt raw in her friend’s presence, more open than she felt like she could be at home with her family, for Mary knew Sidney and they didn’t. She had seen the depth of Charlotte’s love and she had seen the heartbreak although she hadn’t tried to interfere. Tom’s success was her own and she had to stand with her husband. She could not choose Sidney’s, or even Charlotte’s happiness over that of her own husband and Charlotte wouldn’t expect her to.

“I’m sorry if you think I’m unsympathetic, in fact, I feel the complete opposite. I— I saw what was between you, granted it took me a while.” Mary smiled, softly, as she took a seat on the bed and patted the spot next to her, inviting Charlotte to sit and she did, an emotional and physical tiredness pulling at her like her little sister’s insistent fingers at her skirt.

“It surprised me… Sidney has been so closed off for so many years, almost as long as I’ve known him, so to see him opening up, smiling, actually attempting to be here for the family. It’s been so nice and I can’t thank you enough for that. I think _you_ surprised him in that regard.”

He had surprised her too, if she was being honest. She hadn’t expected the man, who had treated her so callously, that didn’t care what she thought or how she felt and who spoke to her like she was just a naive, bothersome creature would come to look at her with such adoration. She would have laughed if someone had told her he was the one she would come to love — that he would be the man who made every other pale in her eyes, the person who’s opinion mattered to her more than anyone else’s — but now that it was over she found she couldn’t even attempt a smile because he wasn’t hers to hold. 

Charlotte looked away, towards the mirror face of the wardrobe, trying to push back the painful memories of that day, but it couldn’t be contained, not when she was sitting in the very same room, on the very same bed, although she was not the very same woman — much had changed since then. 

“It might come as a shock to you but I wasn’t completely enamored with Tom on our first meeting either… he talked a lot about topics that I had no interest in, he was a tad bit overzealous about kissing my hand whenever we happened to meet but then I started to spend more and more time with him. He spoke about his dreams for the future with me, the passion that he had for his business and I got drawn in myself. I was the happiest woman in the whole of England on my wedding day.”

Mary’s voice wobbled and she smoothed her skirt over her knees with anxious hands. Charlotte reached out and grasped one of them, a strange feeling of kinship flooding through her despite the fact that Mary was married to Tom and Charlotte had lost the man she loved, but perhaps they had more in common than she thought. After all, she had been cast aside in favor of Sanditon just like Charlotte.

After a quiet moment, Mary lifted her head, a grateful smile lifting one corner of her mouth as she squeezed Charlotte’s hand.

“But he seems to only remember the passion he has for Sanditon now. I feel like I come second best, the children spend more time with you than Tom… I love this town and the people in it but it shouldn’t take the place of family. I’m sorry that it has come between you and Sidney. I wish that I could have influenced Tom about the insurance but I don’t have much of a head for business myself and I didn’t know that he hadn’t secured it until everyone else found out. I— I know it doesn’t make up for everything but I _am_ sorry.” 

Mary was right, her apology hadn’t made anything better — Sidney was still engaged to marry Eliza and Charlotte’s heart still ached at the thought of him becoming someone else’s husband — but it was sincere and Charlotte could do nothing but accept it, for rejecting Mary’s kindness wouldn’t make a difference either. Her love for Mary and the manners her mother had taught her, wouldn’t allow her to be that person and hold a grudge. 

A crack of thunder overhead drew Charlotte from her musings and she watched as the waves grew even higher and the force of them pulled at her skirts as the ice-cold water finally reached her feet. She gasped at the shock of it but she couldn’t make herself turn away. 

She took a step, the sand beneath her feet seeming to shift as she moved forward, reminding her of the unsteadiness of her life at the current moment, drawing her even further into the tide as her skirts soaked up the water that was now hitting her at mid-calf and attempting to buckle her knees.

The turbulent surf matched her mood and she felt as if she belonged there among the salty waves that mimicked the tears that fell from her eyes, mixing with the rain that started pelting her forehead and cheeks. 

She didn’t feel like she fit in Trafalgar House, not now when her emotions were all over the place and her life felt a shambles. The neat rooms, straightened counterpanes and the just-so placement of every knickknack and frame on the wall was too perfect. Nature’s capriciousness sympathized with her and she didn’t feel like she needed to hide all of her feelings under the heavy cloud cover like she would in front of Mary, her guests and the Parker children. She didn’t want to burden anyone else with her problems. 

_Wasn’t it about time that she got over this?_ she thought to herself, the sand in the rushing salt water around her ankles, sharp against her skin as the waves continued to crash into her. But her feelings weren’t on a timetable, there wasn’t a set amount of time where she should feel healed or over her heartbreak. Emotions didn’t work like the seasons or the waves on the shore, coming one after another. Charlotte had to remind herself of that whenever she questioned the hurt that still burned in the middle of her chest, like the sip of bourbon that Georgiana had goaded her into trying once when Mrs. Griffiths wasn’t around to scold them. 

An unexpectedly swift wave hit her and she floundered for a moment, the grip that she thought she had on the ocean floor was only tenuous at best and was further deteriorated by her distracted thoughts and she let out a shriek as the thought of drowning suddenly sent a bolt of fear striking through her, like the lightning that flickered across the sky.

She turned her head as the rain started to pour down, hard droplets like shards of ice as they pounded against her scalp and the tops of her shoulders, the grayness above and below all blending together until she couldn’t tell where she was and how to get back to shore. 

Dread sunk like a cannonball in her belly, her heart pounded in her ears and the roaring waves drowned out all sound. The next thunderclap caused her to jump from the suddenness of it and she ducked for she was afraid the lightning was about to strike her next. 

_Charlotte._ Was someone calling for her? She couldn’t be sure, for her fear had consumed her completely.

Suddenly she saw a dark blur out of the corner of her eye and she turned her head, her heart rate picking up as a new fear flooded through her but then familiar arms were wrapped around her. 

_Sidney_ , echoed in her head but she wasn’t sure whether she had said it out loud for the next crack of thunder that rumbled all around them.

She wrapped an arm around his neck, clinging to his coat with her other hand as he lifted her into his arms and made  
his way towards the beach with even strides. His arms held her close, his presence as steady as an oak tree and she felt safer than she could ever remember feeling, despite the storm that continued to rage around them. Relief left her limp, when they reached the shore without any incident, though lightning surely beckoned.

Almost as soon as her feet touched the sand, her legs struggling to hold her up as if they still felt the pull of the ocean, and she opened her mouth to thank him, his countenance changed and his frown deepened as the rain continued to drench them.

“What the hell were you doing, Charlotte? Trying to kill yourself?” He stepped closer, chest heaving, his fury as dark as the lowest clouds, the ends of his coat brushing up against her legs.

“No, I— of course not. Why— why would you think such a thing? I’m not an imbecile.” She yelled, her relief fleeing under the sudden influx of anger, hardly able to speak for the chattering of her teeth.

“Certainly seems like it! What other incentive would you have to come out here at this time of day, in this storm? Why were you even in the water with no one else around? You can’t tell me that you don’t see how stupid, how reckless, that is. There’s no one else here except you! Anyone else would have enough sense to stay inside with this storm raging because it is entirely too dangerous!” He yelled back, eyes dark with anger and something else, something sadder, and she turned her gaze away unable to look into his eyes and see the pain. 

“It’s none of your concern.” She pushed her hair back with one hand, although it was pointless with the wind and rain still battering at them, as her heart twinged at his closeness.

“What do you mean, _none of my concern_? Of course it is!” 

“You’re not my husband, you’re not even my intended… My life is my own to do with what I wish. You have no say in it.” She lifted her eyes back to his, flinching at the sight of the hurt that flickered across his face that he swiftly tried to hide behind a mask of indifference, but she knew she had hit a sore spot. She wished she could take back her hasty words, her anger at his distrust of her and the unrelenting pain of their separation flooding out of her in ways she hadn’t expected, but there was no help for it.

Sidney’s eyes searched hers, the wind pulling at the short strands of his hair, lifting it to stand on end and whipping the back of his coat around like the dark wings of a raven. He allowed his mask to drop and the pain that she had been trying to avoid in his eyes was on display, partly from the sting of her words and partly from the pain that tugged at her own heart.

“You’re right,” He turned his gaze towards the ground, rain dripping down the sides of his face and off the tip of his nose.

“I’m not your fiancé or your husband, I have no legal right to care about you, but I still do. I still—“ _I still love you_ , was as clear as day on his face, despite the gray light of dusk that was settling around them, all the sooner because of the dark clouds that loomed overhead.

She wrapped her arms around herself, as if she could hold the pieces of her heart together with the strength of her arms as another shiver ran through her.

“I didn’t cease caring about you because of Eliza. I— I will never stop wanting what’s best for you. I can’t keep myself from worrying about how you are feeling or wondering where you are, what you’re doing, if this life is making you happy. I will forever regret being the one who took your happiness away, for I wanted to be the one to make you happy, _always_ , but I failed.”

She didn’t know what to say in response. Her body trembled from the cold and yet her heart was warmed from within by his words. She hadn’t allowed herself to wonder if he still loved her because the _what if’s_ were too hard to bear but _now_ there was no question that he still did. 

_How was she to deal with that information? Knowing that his duty now lay with his betrothed, not her._

Mary had been wrong, seeing him again only offered her more pain, not less and certainly not a healing like she had hoped. She felt like a delicate piece of china, once broken that even when glued back together was all the more fragile for it. 

He stepped closer and she tipped her head back in order to see him. His brown eyes were dark as night, as twilight fell, but she still felt safe in his shadow despite the pain that he could wrought within her with just one word. 

He shrugged out of his coat, draping it over her shoulders and she grasped at the edges of it, the weight of it threatening to slide off her shoulders, but the warmth that enveloped her was more than what the heavy wool fabric offered, for the warmth of his body still resided in the silk lining. 

“Thank you.” She spoke, surprised at the softness of her voice for she hadn’t meant to whisper but he dipped his head in acknowledgment as if she had spoken it right against his ear and the noises of wind, waves and rain had dissipated.

He stepped back once more and she missed his closeness, for she didn’t know if he would be staying in Sanditon for the week or if he would stay the night, appear at the party for Mariah’s sake and then head back to London where his business and his fiancée waited. 

She should prepare herself for his leaving because she couldn’t hope to keep him or know when she would be able to see him next but she didn’t want to worry about the uncertainty. She had had enough of it — waiting on her heart to heal, for her pain to lessen, for her joy in life to be restored, for someone else to make the decisions for her — and she knew only one way to make that a possibility.

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself.” She moved towards him, the tail end of his coat dragging along the sand, pinning him with her gaze and willing him to listen, “I wasn’t even thinking about the dangers. I was thinking about how I couldn’t bear it, if you appeared here in Sanditon and I had to come face to face with you… but I was also thinking how unbearable it would be to be here and _not_ see you. So, you see, I was distracted by quite the conundrum and I didn’t know which I wished for, no, _wanted_ more. You aren’t mine, I’m not yours but I don’t want that to be the case. I wanted to ask you to choose me, when you stopped my carriage on the road and you wished me well. I—I had thought you had come to tell me you changed your mind but when you didn’t… I thought that was it, that I lost my chance. I was so concerned with how everyone else would feel if I asked you to change your mind. But I’m tired of it, this is my life and if I don’t make a choice, if I don’t take a chance then how will I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror again. It wasn’t an attempt to take my life, but it was the death to my unselfishness. I want to be selfish now, with you because I want you and I love you.” 

His face didn’t change and she had to wonder if she had bet wrong again and stepped out of line but she couldn’t bring herself to care because she felt free all of a sudden, like the tiredness that had been pulling at her had let go and she would be lifted away on the wind if she wasn’t careful.

“I know you must think I’m a complete idiot for calling you a fool for being out in this weather when I was out here in it too. But I— uh, I was experiencing the same _conundrum_ , as you put it and thought that a walk might help. I was beset with all these conflicting emotions when I read Mary’s invitation and I thought that I shouldn’t come, for it would be too tempting to be so close to you and not be able to have you but I convinced myself that it was for the best, that maybe I could get you out of my system, but I was wrong.” He ducked his head, trying to catch her eyes in the quickly fading light and she felt the faintest touch of his fingers as he brushed a curl of clinging wet hair away from her cheek. “As soon as I saw you in the water, I experienced the most instantaneous moment of terror I have ever felt and I knew that I was a fool to have let you go. I— I’m sorry for putting you through this, I wish that I could take it back and erase these past few months. I feel like I’ve been walking through a fog and suddenly sunlight has burned through it because you love me. And I— I love you too.” 

The rain had slowed to a mist as they spoke, the waves still moved closer as the tide came in and Charlotte’s shoes and stockings had probably already been swept away. But she felt warm as a summer’s day as his eyes lost their painful ache and a glow lit them from within as he moved to close the space between them. 

Charlotte wanted so badly to throw herself into his arms and feel his steadying presence wrapped around her for she felt like her entire body was primed to blow away or either shatter into nothing from the depth of her shivering but there was still one problem that stood between them and their future happiness.

“What about Eliza?” She asked, unable to hold back the question, for their reconciliation quivered on a knife's edge. _‘What about Sanditon?’_ leapt to her tongue but she pushed it back. _One problem at a time, Charlotte._

“What about her?” Sidney asked, pulling back, one hand pressed against her waist. 

“What will you tell her? I know I should wish for her pain, she treated me so horribly. I don’t think it was because of us… I think she must be that awful, but I don’t want her to be left hanging either. That’s just cruel. You have to tell her in person, that you cannot be together, and in a way so that she knows that there is never going to be a way for her to win you back.”

Sidney chuckled, his lips curling up on one side, “I’m pretty sure I can handle it. She, well, she certainly didn’t let me down too easily when she decided to marry someone else, but i’ll tell her in no uncertain terms, that we’re done. For  
‘I have found the one whom my soul loves.’” 

Tears pricked at Charlotte’s eyes, at the seriousness of his gaze, the warmth of love in his eyes and the sanctity of the quotation, as he pulled her closer. She stood on tiptoe and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pressing her face against his neck. They were both chilled to the bone, wet as this morning’s laundry and flecked with gritty sand but there was truly no other place that she would rather be. 

“I meant it, when I told you that I feel my truest self when I’m with you… London has nothing on Sanditon, without you there.” 

“That’s saying a lot.” Charlotte choked on a laugh as she brushed at the tears that further dampened her cheeks.

Sidney smiled back, eyes crinkling at the corners, his white teeth shining in the darkness as the moon rose. He offered her his arm, like they were about to take a turn around the finest drawing room instead of escaping the onslaught of night and the bitter cold, and she took it, unable to keep the happiest of smiles from her turning up her lips. 

The lamplight from the nearby town lit the edge of the sand as they walked closer. A dog barked in the distance, a couple argued followed by a door slamming and riotous laughter filtered out of one of the taverns that looked out over the beach but it could have been the most beautiful of Beethoven’s concertos for all the attention they paid it. 

Charlotte wrapped her fingers around Sidney’s as they followed the sandy trail flanked by marsh grasses, that led towards Sanditon’s paved streets when she was pulled to a stop.

“What? What is it? Why are we stopping?” She asked, curiously, although she was in quite a hurry to get home to the warm fire that Marie, the upstairs maid, had most likely lit in her room. 

Sidney didn’t reply, as he drew her closer, one warm hand resting against her cheek. The heavy weight of his coat, dragged down by sand and drenched with salt water, dropped away from her shoulders and his arm banded around her waist, locking her to him. She barely had a chance to inhale before his kiss took her breath away. 

The fire that she had been longing for was there, flickering low but burst into an inferno as he pressed his whole body against hers, lifting her slightly so that she didn’t have to crane her neck. 

His lips were soft against hers but also firm, the stubble on his cheeks coarse as sand against her fingers but she didn’t care, the difference in textures was exhilarating. His silk waistcoat was damp under her fingers, the wet and cold causing her bones to ache as she grabbed ahold of him but the pain wasn’t her top priority as his tongue slipped across her bottom lip and she gasped at the unfamiliar feeling. 

She flicked her tongue across his in the same way, testing it out and found that she rather liked it, especially when it elicited a groan that rumbled in his chest and into hers, they were so tightly pressed together. 

“Charlotte,” He mumbled in protest when she pulled back and she pressed forward again for one last kiss before they must go.

“I would keep you here with me forever, if it was at all possible.” He murmured into her ear, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind when he pulled away.

“I wouldn’t mind it despite the cold,” Charlotte teased, tilting her head slightly, a smile pulling at her lips, “but I think that you have to leave if you’re going to break your engagement.” 

“I know.” 

“As long as you promise me it won’t end like the last time and you do come back to me, body and soul.” Charlotte searched his face, trying to memorize every angle and curve, for she had been away from him for too long.

“I promise.” Sidney lifted her hand, pressing a soft kiss to it before he drew her in for another kiss, the minutes ticking by as they got lost in each other, _again_.

“Sidney,” she pulled back, breathless, lips tingling, “We have to go.” 

“I just needed a moment.” His words rasped low in his throat and she longed to pull him back down to her lips but it was growing late already and she couldn’t risk her reputation any further. 

“Come on, if we stay out here any longer, they won’t be able to find us in the morning.”

“Would that be a bad thing?” Sidney teased, surprising her. She laughed, happiness filling up her chest, as she pulled at his hands and he followed her back towards Trafalgar House.


End file.
